Gilbert Family Pictures | Whitney & Elliot’s Infertility Survivor Story
Whitney and Elliot have the cutest family and I’m so lucky to know them! I get to teach their oldest daughter’s class at church and she’s a sweetheart, I just love their whole family. It was so fun getting together with them for a quick family photo session a couple weeks ago! Looking at a picture of a family with five kids, you would probably not guess that infertility was a part of their story, but there were many tears, prayers, and years that came before those children joined Elliot and Whitney. I think this story is such a great reminder that we just shouldn’t judge because we just never know what silent struggles someone has been through to reach the point they’re at now. Here is their infertility survivor story as written by Whitney–she has a real way with words and has shared her heart beautifully here, I hope that it sends some hope to others out there who are struggling with the disease of infertility.
Whitney & Elliot’s Infertility Survivor Story
written by Whitney
A little background about you as a couple
Elliot and I met after a completely random move I made with one of my sisters to Arizona from Idaho in early 1999. Our spontaneous move (totally out of character for me) brought me to church where I met a handsome young fella that kept calling me by the wrong name (because I spoke so softly, he thought it was Wendy). We became fast friends after he finally figured out my name, and by the end of the year, we were married in the Mesa Arizona Temple. I fell completely in love with everything Elliot Dibble, but what first endeared me was how easy it was for him to chat with everyone, his playfulness, and how he enjoyed my quiet sarcasm. I’m not completely positive, but I think Elliot fell in love with me because of my uninhibited ability to devour a turkey leg at the Renaissance Festival.
Your infertility story
It has been so interesting to write our infertility story from the perspective of 18 years later. I’m a little surprised at the level of details I can still remember (which I’m trying/failing to spare you), and see how I’m still being taught the lessons I was desperately and impatiently trying to learn all those years. Looking at a picture of our family, you wouldn’t really guess that we struggled with infertility. I never imagined that I’d be having a newborn baby just weeks before I had my 40th birthday, especially since my original plan was to be done having all of my 5-8 babies by the time I was 30. I was barely getting started by then! There are still days when I get fairly irritated that we don’t have an 8- and 10-year-old to bridge the age gap between our first and second children, but then I remember all the lessons I’ve learned along the way in this journey.
We waited almost a year before we started “trying” to have a baby. By our first anniversary, I had a cyst burst on my ovary and I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and anovulation (since stopping birth control also stopped my periods completely). I started on clomid and for the next frustrating year, there was no progress besides wickedly heavy bleeding (I thought I was having a miscarriage every single time . . . spent lots of money on negative pregnancy tests). I finally switched doctors after realizing that it wasn’t normal to bleed for 6 weeks. I made a plan with my new OB/GYN, and started clomid again with better results, like actual ovulation according to my basal body temperature (BBT). Unlike my first doctor, this doctor actually did blood tests to determine what my progesterone level was for each cycle (always between 1-15). I can’t remember all of the tests that were done besides a hysterosalpingogram (hsg) to check for blockages in my fallopian tubes. Elliot’s fertility tests came back with good results and I didn’t have blockages or endometriosis. My doctor wouldn’t increase the dosage of clomid unless I didn’t ovulate, which only happened a few times and I became increasingly frustrated that each month still resulted in no pregnancy. I decided to take a short break from clomid and start gathering information on adoption. I didn’t get very far before discussing it with Elliot and deciding together that it wasn’t the avenue we were supposed to be taking at that time.
My level of frustration and impatience was getting pretty high, so when I returned to my doctor to start clomid again, I suggested that we be more aggressive in the dosage. He agreed, almost too easily, and a year later we were at the highest dosage he was willing to prescribe for me. He told us that he wanted to see a few months of ovulation before our next step would be intrauterine insemination (IUI). I reached out to family and friends to ask for their prayers. I was surprised to find how many were already praying for us and hoping with us the entire time. Providentially, the next month, my progesterone level was at an unusually high (for me) level of 37.2. I can barely think of it without shedding tears! We were finally having a baby!
After a healthy and easy pregnancy, our Stella was born in the summer of 2004 . . . still the most beautiful little person I’ve ever seen in my life! She was a long time in the making and came with a personality that spread joy wherever she was! She taught me to sing out loud and I was never so attracted to Elliot as I was when he was being a Daddy!
While Elliot and I delighted in everything about our sweet little girl, we still desired to have more children. The encouragement of people who thought that the “floodgates were open” was as unhelpful and almost as hurtful as the “can’t you just enjoy Stella?” SHE wanted a brother or sister (OK, just a sister) just as much as we wanted her to have one and wanting more doesn’t make us greedy!
I started taking clomid again when Stella was a year old. Because I’d had a baby and I was once again, unable to conceive, I was diagnosed with secondary infertility. The whole process seemed to repeat itself right from the beginning with super heavy bleeding, then occasional ovulation, and no pregnancy. When we prayed about adoption again, we felt like it was time to start the process.
Adoption is no joke! Elliot and I attended a seminar/workshop of sorts as a prerequisite for obtaining adoption paperwork. It was beautiful. All different stories and experiences and all such a blessing. We were excited. However, our process went slow. I am notoriously slow. I wanted everything to be perfect. I labored over every question, sometimes even days before I answered it. I made a blog, collected pictures, started deep cleaning my house, talked to Stella about adoption, talked to friends and family who have adopted and those who have even placed their children for adoption. The questions in the adoption paperwork made me really dig deep into my relationships with my husband, child, parents, siblings, friends, and myself. It made me remember what was truly important to me as I grew up and what was important currently. It made me review my current parenting skills (to a 3-year-old) and what kind of parent I wanted to be. It was all very revealing to me, but so helpful in understanding myself. I wrote the processing check for the courts and clipped it to the paperwork . . . and put it on my kitchen counter. There it stayed for weeks . . . and weeks.
As Elliot and I were praying one evening, I had a feeling that we were NOT supposed to mail in our paperwork. I was a bit confused, especially since I remembered my feeling almost a year earlier that we WERE supposed to fill out paperwork. So the paperwork remained unmailed. It was just a few months later that I learned I was miraculously pregnant (without clomid)! However, just a couple of weeks later I miscarried at 7 weeks. By the end of the year I was pregnant again and miscarried again at 7 weeks. We were devastated. Stella was old enough to know that our babies went back to heaven and prayed for them on her own in her sweet little words each day. It was more than a whole year before I was pregnant again, and again miscarried at 7 weeks. Six months later, again, pregnant, again, miscarriage at 7 weeks. All four miscarriages started with bleeding, mild cramps, passing huge clots, and complete heartbreak.
Then I got mad. I was under the impression that you had to have multiple pregnancy losses before getting a referral to a fertility specialist. I never knew the right questions to ask and was way too timid in taking control of my own healthcare. I finally decided to see a fertility specialist and was almost insubordinate in our first interview as I demanded positive results. Without doing any testing, the doctor gave me two assumptions about my pregnancies: 1) I don’t produce enough of the progesterone hormone to sustain a pregnancy, and/or 2) something in the genetic make up of myself and Elliot was attacking our babies. We made the plan for both Elliot and I to be tested and that we could shoot for the beginning of 2011 to start treatments. Ugh! That seemed so far away! Elliot and I got our blood tests done and before we even got results, I found that I was pregnant again (3 times in one year!)! I called the doctor and he seemed almost disappointed and irritated. He put me on a progesterone suppository immediately, but gave me little hope of a successful pregnancy since he would have started me on it weeks earlier on our plan. The weeks crept by and we all walked on eggshells during week 7 and breathed a sigh of relief as it passed and I was in week 8 of my pregnancy. I went to an ultrasound and nearly busted out my ninja skills on the intern who was “trying” to find my baby. The doctor could sense my growing agitation and took over to quickly find the most beautiful “flicker” of a heartbeat I’ve ever seen! Our baby was on his way! The world celebrated! . . . at least my world celebrated!
Malcolm was born in the summer of 2011 at home and it was one of the most liberating experiences of my life! When he was 9 months old, I was sitting in church and had the biggest impression that Elliot and I were supposed to do whatever we needed to do to have another baby as soon as possible. I thought that meant that I needed to go see the fertility specialist to start treatments, but I was shocked when just a month later I found that I was pregnant. Another easy pregnancy and delivery at home, and another baby boy, Quentin, joined our family in early 2013. After the summer of 2015, baby sister Celia made her appearance into our family. I can’t even count how many people asked if we were “done.” Without telling them my entire history or making a cynical joke about their incredibly personal question, I revealed that we’ve been very blessed and felt complete. However, I kept finding myself saying something about how I wouldn’t mind being pregnant again if I could lose some weight. Well, the weight didn’t come off, but my body heard that I wanted to be pregnant again and became so. Baby Norah was born just 4 days after Celia’s 2nd birthday in September 2017.
What would you say is the hardest thing about infertility?
The first thing that pops into my head is the feeling of failure. I didn’t start out with the best self-esteem, so feeling like I was failing at the one thing I was sure I’d be good at was very defeating. Even growing up I never had any other aspirations besides being a mother and my seemingly easy plan was not that easy! It’s ridiculous to me now and wish I could go back and have a good talk with my 25-year-old self, but like most people, I’d still probably say something insensitive to myself that would make me sad. Other women having babies was hard for me too. Whether it was family, friends, or some random person, it was hard. Some were harder than others. I am a naturally sarcastic person, but it increased almost to a mean degree during the first 4 years before Stella was born. While it was still difficult, I can say that waiting the 7 years before Malcolm was born was a lot easier than waiting for Stella. I was surrounded by friends and family that were having babies every 18 months to 2 years. It was inevitable at a friend gathering to speak of pregnancy, birth, babies, and general family planning, and it seemed as though someone was having a baby shower almost every weekend. There were times I had to force myself to go and be happy for them, but then there were times when I was the hostess. I wanted to be happy for them even when the rest of my day would result in me watching my saddest movies and crying my ugliest cry. Another hard part was just the dumb things people say and their unsolicited advice. A lot of the dumbest comments came from family. Maybe I’m glad it was from them instead of a lot of outsiders because I knew that my family loved me, so it was easier to learn the lesson that people are generally just trying to be helpful no matter how miserably they fail at it. It almost became more funny than hurtful.
Are there any ways you have grown stronger as a person/couple as a result of infertility?
I’m not kidding, infertility is hard on a marriage. You know what else is hard on a marriage? Children. I thought we’d be such great parents because we wanted it so badly and worked so hard for it, but parenting is hard! I would have hated myself for saying that before we had kids. However, I am so grateful for all those years of opportunity to learn how to communicate with each other. Month after month of disappointment and years of ridiculous amounts of ugly snot crying meant that we learned how to comfort and talk to each other. We learned how to recognize each others needs and wants and learned to listen to one another. It’s definitely an ongoing process of developing our relationship and we still don’t always get it right, especially with the added dynamic of 5 children, but we definitely know that we are grateful to go through it all together. In the midst of our infertility struggle, Elliot once told me that he thought we were going through it so that we could also help others who might be experiencing the same thing. It made me mad at first because I’d rather have a baby than be an example of not being able to have a baby, but eventually I could see the wisdom in his words. As an individual, I think that going through infertility has made me a better friend and less judgmental. It could have gone very much the other way. The afternoon of our 4th miscarriage, Elliot asked me what I was thinking. While I’m sure I was focusing on my loss at that moment, my response was, “I think this would be super cruel if I didn’t know that Heavenly Father loved me.” But I did know that He loved me and knew me and my babies.
Are there any resources that have helped you emotionally/spiritually through your infertility journey?
I made a good friend that was able to keep it real with me. It was life-saving for me to have someone that wasn’t afraid to tell me I was being too harsh, judgmental, or downright mean. I didn’t get worked up too quickly, but when I did, my friend made me see situations from a different perspective and didn’t hesitate to disagree with me. It is so easy sometimes with women to help bad feelings or offenses fester and become debilitating when the person we’re talking to is agreeing with everything we’re saying. I was/am grateful to have that friend who could give me the loving slap upside the head I needed to return to reality. I’m a religious soul and I am so grateful that I have a Savior who is really the only one who can comfort me completely. That knowledge helped me to learn more about Him and His love for each of us. Not just us that struggled with infertility, but also that lady who couldn’t seem to stop having babies (not knowing that I’d eventually be that lady as well), and the young widow, the old widow, that mean lady at church, my friends, my sisters, my mother, the lady yelling at her kids at Walmart, and the crusty old lady on the street. The love I know my Savior has for me in everything that I experience in my life is the love He wants me to share with everyone else no matter what their struggle may be.
Is there anything you wish people who don’t struggle with infertility knew?
Oh, this is tricky. We are all going to respond to our own infertility journey in different ways. It can be a touchy subject and easy to offend. Things that don’t bother me might bother someone else and some of us are more open about our struggle than others. But I don’t think this situation is different from any other situation . . . just be kind. Know your audience. Elliot and I were sometimes able to joke about it with certain people and then other times someone would offer to be a surrogate for me and I’d cry for a week. There were times when I would walk into a room and was certain that everyone was staring at me and wondering why I couldn’t have a baby. No, we’re not going to steal your baby if you let us hold it and if by “trying” you mean “are we having unprotected sex,” then yes. Yes we are. Also, you relax. If relaxing was the problem, I’d be on a cruise right now.
What advice would you give to someone else who is currently going through infertility?
Don’t hide behind infertility. While it’s definitely a part of you, it isn’t ALL of you. Keep hobbies, develop talents, keep and make new friends, hold babies, throw baby showers, travel with your hubby, have sex for fun instead of on a schedule, continue to hope, desire, cry, work, research, throw tantrums, and pray, and don’t forget to give! Find happiness every day. Find a reason to smile or make someone else laugh. Find ways to do something nice for someone else once in a while. Infertility can be all-consuming, but don’t let it swallow you whole! You’re not broken. Don’t break yourself by hiding behind this one thing in your life. Yes, it’s pretty big and it may take several chapters of your life, but it’s not the title of your book.
